Honk honk, high-schlosers.
Make way for a teacher with a little nut sack.
Hey, where's my little nut sack?
Ah, don't tell me I wiggled them in.
- Name: - Ennis Hofftard.
- Subject: - English teacher.
- Catchphrase: - "Catchphrases are for losers."
TM MMIX, Ennis Hofftard.
Ah, nuts.
Oh, sad.
Hey! Happy!
- Name: - Muhannad Sabeeh "Happy".
Fa-Ach Nuabar.
- Subject: - Blecch!
"Custodian." Catchphrase:
Ah, fach-ach America!
"I'm fond of America."
Oh, Happy's sad.
... and tighten and release and pull it in and let it out...
Do you have to dance to my Kegel tape?
I don't have to. I must to.
- It's about feelings. - Oh, I have feelings.
I just use my Kegel muscles to keep them in.
You're lucky I'm not a lady or I'd unclamp them all over you.
Yeah, right. If you were half the man that I am woman, I'd make you try.
Please! I have more man in my little pinky than you have in your whole woman!
Well, I have more woman pinky in my man-hole
than I've ever had man pinky in my... wait. Who's what, now?
- Name: - Andrew LeGutambos.
- Subject: - Drama.
- Catchphrase: - "Speak up."
- Name: - Helen Klench.
- Subject: - Librarian.
- Catchphrase: - "Quiet down!"
Shut up!
- You should have used your catchphrase. - My catchphrase.
It's probably just Willard trying to get a free ride to school.
Cheap and old, cheap and old.
It's probably just stress. Everybody wants to get rid of the German classes.
Is it my fault that German has no non-racist name for black people?
- Name: - Willard Deutschebog.
- Subject: - German.
- Catchphrase: - "If I believed in reincarnation,
"I'd kill myself tonight."
Just drop me off at the school.
I need to show up or I don't get paid.
Yeah, well, we need to shock you, or we don't get paid.
- I'm aware of that. - We're clear!
This is ironic.
Boy, I can't see anything
because of this "God Will Protect Me" bumper sticker.
But I guess that's the point, right, Merch?
Steering? Ooh, I'm gonna have to start buckling you in.
- Name: - Miracle Grohe.
- Subject: - Science!
Catchphrase:
"Babies are gifts from God. Drummers are creeps."
Miracle. OK, showtime.
Today is the day that you notice Larry L.
I use "L" because I don't like to say my last name.
- Name: - Larry Littlejunk.
- Subject: - PE.
- Catchphrase: - "Why can't someone else teach PE?"
I win again.
And why? Because coach "L" leaves nothing in the tank.
Oh, look, it's Miracle. Hey, what's your new bumper sticker say?
I say run!
Oh, God. Oh! Oh, kids, always leave something in the tank.
Well, I'm going to have to fix that.
I don't like this.
Excuse me.
That's not your spot. That's the spot for the principal.
Yes, I thought that would be fine since the principal's still out
because of the... "accident" he had while wearing those...
"steel claws" while he was making...
"quotation mark signs".
What you perhaps don't know is that I'm the acting principal in his absence.
Oh, I know that, too.
I'm your new assistant principal, Sue.
Sue, may I call you Sue, Sue?
- Name: - Sue Sezno.
- Subject: - Acting Principal.
- Catchphrase: - "No".
Yeah, it is a little formal, Sue.
Sue, is there a nickname for Sue?
Something shorter than Sue, like "Suh"?
"Sss" maybe or...
"S"...
Just as a time saver... "S"?
- Name: - Stuart Proszakian.
- Subject: - Ass principal.
- Prior job: - Prison clown.
- Catchphrase: - "I need a catchphrase."
Well, why don't we start with acting principal Sezno?
And later in the semester, we can try to get rid of you.
- Move your car. - Oh, I'd love to,
but once I've stopped her running, she won't start again for 6 hours.
I need a catchphrase.
Stuart, has anyone ever told you that you are completely oblivious?
Not that I'm aware of... S.
Not that I'm aware of.
All right, girls. Move along. You've read the posters.
Those posters are up for your safety, too, Ennis.
- No, thanks. I'm good. - Our librarian stepped over the line
by spending all those days in that boy's locker.
So I flirted a little bit with a student. I was just gonna surprise him.
You spent 3 days in his locker.
Well, obviously that wasn't my original plan.
Someone stole my gas mask.
Back, you hot hunk of...
I mean, he's a sophomore.
Come on! He's 23 years old.
Hey, I think his son goes here.
We all have to be on our best behavior.
I'm sure you've heard the rumor. We might have to get rid of a teacher.
- I haven't heard that. - Yes, I'm just starting it now.
The fact is,
we didn't exactly kick ass on no child left behind.
Kick ass!
- We didn't. - We didn't!
So they're cutting back our funds.
That's right. And on top of that,
get ready for what Happy found in one of your football players' lockers.
Drugs, gentlemen.
That's a great way to get ready, but be cool.
I hear you're getting rid of a teacher.
So what did Happy find in the locker?
Drugs, Ennis, the ones in your mouth.
Those were in a kid's locker?
- That's how I took it. - I had those in my mouth!
This is a problem.
I've asked Miracle, our science teacher, to analyze what these drugs are.
Oh, yeah, that's great.
Give it to a woman who beat me out of the job by stripping off
to prove to the school board that she didn't come from no monkey.
Can I get a flashback on this?
No?
And by the way, you said you agreed with Miracle's creationist theories.
Sure. It made sense at the time.
There's no way something that pink and perfect came out of a monkey.
Hey, gang, that'd be a fun image.
No? What if you blurred the monkey?
- They're not gonna show it. - I know.
I'm a little torn when it comes to Miracle.
On the one hand, I am madly, deeply in love with her.
And on the other, and I don't mean this as a criticism. She's a idiot.
Get to the bottom of this or you're fired.
Ennis, can I grab you for a second?
- Privately? - Oh, sorry, dude.
I'm not really into the whole slap and dangle thing.
Andrew's the type of freak who'd hang around the lockers.
Oh, no, you didn't.
No. I just meant, can we talk?
Oh, sure. Yes. Safer.
I was at the newsstand this morning, and I was just buying some filthies.
Then I ran into one of my students.
Well, I grabbed a couple of cooking magazines to cover,
but I think he noticed.
God! Why didn't I sign up for the Internet when I had the chance?
Eatin' ain't cheatin'. Although it could be a problem,
especially with this rumor about firing a teacher.
- What? - Get this.
Apparently, any sort of creepy behavior
is grounds for termination now!
I should warn Helen.
Ennis, you're my best friend. Tell me what to do.
Easy, guv'nor.
Just avoid being anywhere that Sue is where there are also students.
But I'm a teacher here.
That's how I know you.
Hey, my nuts!
Could you just throw these out?
Give me the filthies.
And if anyone asks...
I don't know what the hell this is.
I mean, I've never even seen a meal like this.
All these meats and cheeses and chest hairs.
Oh, it's a 3-way.
Deutschebog, these are your filthies.
These are Deutschebog's filthies.
He's a teacher here.
This isn't food. It's a 3-way.
Hey, nuts! I'm not a teacher.
Oh, hey, Miracle.
Damn it, but I do think we come from monkeys.
How many times do I have to show you my...
That can wait. Did you find out what the drugs are in the lab?
I brought little baby Merch with me to ask the stars.
I ask of thee, show me a sign.
What is the nature of this western medicine that I offer?
An asteroid?
A steroid?
An ass-troid!
It's a troid for the ass.
- You... you mean a steroid? - Is there such a thing?
Larry, your students are taking steroids?
What? You're gonna believe a woman who was stupid enough to climb naked out
of a papier-mache monkey for a flashback that they're not even gonna show?
They're not gonna show it? Come on, Merch.
Larry thinks we're stupid.
No! I did it again. I always blow it with her.
Obviously my kids aren't on steroids. They're crap at every sport they try.
Pull!
No, these are performances that have not been enhanced.
Well, that sophomore with the equal-length legs is pretty good.
What's his name? Red head kid.
I think that's his name, but he's not on steroids. He's 23 years old.
- Red haired man! - That's what it is.
If I could get the rest of the team to play half as well as he does.
Well, hell, let's give them the juice.
Wait. What? The steroids?
Look, we only need to win one game.
It's the only way to get any money out of the alumni.
The Baiters win a game! The Baiters win a game!
Larry, it's either steroids or get rid of a teacher.
And I refuse to get my hopes up about that.
But we test them on an adult first.
It could make someone horribly sick.
Hey, Larry... S...
Great news. I got my car to start.
Oh, if it looks like there's a scratch on your fender,
don't worry. It's actually just a dent.
I need a catchphrase.
Come on. Let's get those drugs in him.
Thank you for coming. I know that principal Kevin
never made you go to meetings, but as you know,
Kevin is still recuperating from his "laceration."
Oh, why did I adapt "Edward Scissorhands" for the stage.
That's how we all felt.
If you had regular hands, you'd be like everyone else.
I don't want to be quote regular.
So we're gonna have to fire somebody or find a way to raise money.
Any suggestions?
Well, Merch and I started a hunger strike.
In honor of all the people in third world countries
who are starving or just don't know about restaurants,
we throw away this expensive food.
Well, that's lovely, Miracle, but it doesn't bring in money.
Oh. Then maybe we should charge more for food.
Well, I've done a little research.
Librarians are essential for that in case the Internet goes down forever.
And it's come to my attention that 16 years ago,
why, there was a time capsule planted on this very campus.
It's been a tough year.
We have been at war in Iraq.
Bush has left the White House,
and we are in the middle of a huge recession.
God. What a cuckoo time that must have been.
The capsule was packed with items thought soon to be rare.
Among them was a bottle of dry tree Chardonnay
that today might well be worth...
hundreds of pre-George Hush dollars.
Of course, it could be anywhere on campus.
Fine. I will shortly be assigning someone to dig for that time capsule.
- Helen, you'll be digging for the time. - No fair!
It's not personal,
- but you're the most unappealing. - I won't fight you on that one.
Also to that end, we have a big game on thursday.
And I'm assigning Stuart Proszakian to work with larry as the assistant coach.
But Stuart's gonna need a lot of energy.
So, Larry, do you have those vitamins for Stuart?
Okay. Stuart, take the vitamins.
I want everyone to show his or her support.
And be at that game... teachers and students. Any questions?
- Does that include teachers? - Yes, Willard, it does.
I should have mentioned that.
Shouldn't I be the new assistant coach
and therefore least likely to lose my job?
No. It'll be Stuart.
Anything else?
Yeah. I just wanted to say that I'm really glad
that we're winking in these meetings now because it makes it a lot of fun.
And I can't say I completely get why we're winking,
but let's just keep it up.
OK. I see no one's winking anymore,
and I just wanted to say that I'm secretly glad that we've stopped
because I never quite got why we were doing it in the first place.
I need a catchphrase?
These guys just keep getting worse.
Come on! Stay on your man. He's only 23, for God's sake.
Don't look at him.
Look at me.
Now look at him.
Now wave to that other guy.
Where are the smiles, gentlemen?
- You've never coached before, have you? - Not technically.
I've coat-ed things with mint jelly or what have you,
but to me, that's not exactly the same as coach-ing.
But I feel great. I think it was those vitamins that you gave me.
Oh, good.
How do your testicles feel?
You know, they really don't.
I got a little bit of a tickle when that mono-browed librarian
planted a garden shovel in my yam sack.
But no. I guess the mint jelly is doing its job.
Thanks for asking.
Auf wiedersehen.
It means "good-bye."
- After me. Say it. - Good-bye.
No, not... Auf. Say auf.
Please, children, I need this job. Auf.
Auf! Auf! Auf!
Great Hitler's ghost.
How dare you laugh at this man?
God. It doesn't even sound like laughter!
Yes, Mr. Deutschebog buys pornography.
Yes, he's chosen some obscure titles, like
"Nothing But Fuzz," "Wet and Jiggly," and "Giant Prawns."
But he's a homely little gripper.
And you have no right to judge him.
Hey, guys, sorry.
"Giant Prawns" is one of his cooking magazines, so...
instead of that one, let's just say...
"Squatting."
At least that sounds like laughter.
Helen, I won't be locker squatting tonight.
I told the cheerleaders I'd be working with them.
Oh, Andrew, must you have?
Look, I want to be necessary, or Sue will get rid of me, too.
Plus, I have a thing for Larry, and I want to impress him.
- But Larry's in love with Miracle. - Oh, yeah, I want to impress her, too.
They're the perfect couple for me.
If only you could squeeze them into one person.
It's not easy being bisexual, is it?
I'm not gonna test well.
Oh, great. There's Miracle.
I wish I could talk to her, but I always end up blowing it,
like the stupid PE teacher that I am.
I could never even get my PE teacher to do that.
Look, maybe it's just the vitamins talking.
But you want to see this girl, you know, and...
she probably wants to see you.
And I want to see you see her,
but you're as defensive as one of your linemen, you...
you...
you man. You man!
You man, you!
Listen, Stuart, there's something I didn't tell you about those vitamins.
They're actually drugs. Happy found them in a kid's locker.
A locker?!
Yeah. That always hits home for some reason. We think they're steroids.
But isn't it true that they cause birth defects?
Only in babies.
Well, as long as I'm out of the danger zone.
Now, go. Talk to Miracle.
And don't get angry. Just show her you're a man.
I would, but lately it's gotten so tiny, that you can barely tell.
- Hi, Larry. - Hey.
Hi. I was just coming to give you a list of all the kids
- who are on the starvation drive. - Yeah, that's awesome, Miracle.
- I'm so glad you're bringing in money. - Throwing out food.
I'd hate it if you were the one who got fired.
I know. And science class should be the first to go.
Everyone knows it's just a bunch of voodoo the jews came up with
so they could charge us for medicine and stuff, right, baby Merch?
He's trying to nod. Look!
Wait. You've got half my football team
on this fast.
No wonder they've been so lethargic. Are you that stupid!
Look, Larry, I'm idealistic, OK?
I believe in doing things that are unrealistic or have no effect.
That's who I am!
You man! You man, you!
So did you tell her how you feel?
Oh, shoot.
We'll be right back.
Helen, if you'd like to take a break and watch the game,
I'd be happy to deny that request.
I've never felt more alive!
Request de... Oh. Well, great.
Well, then keep up the digging.
Can't fire someone who digs holes.
Deutschen?
Deutschenbog?
Deutschen-Willard-bog?
Filthy buyer.
Willard Deutschenbog, who bought the filthies he didn't want...
- What?! - Mission accomplished.
- Great. - Got rid of that package
we talked about, guv'nor.
Terrific.
Willard, you're welcome for hiding your porno.
Porno! Porno!
Porno! Porno...
Porno. Porn...
No porn! No porn! No...
Oh, hi, Sue. I'm just trying to keep the kids away from porn.
Well, keep up the weird work.
You can't fire somebody who keeps kids away from porn.
Don't let the hunger get to you.
We got to win. This is the pilot!
Hot dogs. Meats and cheeses and hair. And hot dogs.
Stupid starvation drive.
I should have given them the steroids, but they didn't work for you.
Well, maybe they just need a little encouragement.
You shouldn't be afraid to show them your femine side.
- We've all got a feminine side. - I am noticing that.
OK, guys, I know you're hungry, but so am I, for my job.
Oh, the hell with it. I'll do it myself.
I'll show Larry and Miracle that a man over 30 can shake his buns.
And that came out sad.
Hit it.
... and tighten and release and pull it in and let it out...
Notice me. Notice me.
Notice me!
What? What's everyone looking at?
Come on, guys. Let's show the boys what we think of them.
Jump up and down, everybody.
Let's shake those shoulders, people.
I'm up here boys.
Well, I can't compete with that,
but I can ask it out.
It's like a combination of Larry and Miracle.
Stuart, we've got the ball. We can win this!
Rush the defense!
Come on, Salmon! Rush "D."
- Salman Rushdie? - "Salman Rushdie?"
- "Where? Salman Rushdie?" - Salman Rushdie.
"I am such a huge fan."
And he's fooled no one with that last bit.
Well, you can't fire someone who loves Salman Rushdie.
We don't have a chance. There's no one on the field to stop them.
Nice breasts.
That's odd.
Well, I guess "breast" is scary muslim talk for "ass."
That's sweet.
The Baiters win the game!
No one gets fired. The Baiters win the game!
The Baiters win the game!
The Baiters lost.
I don't know why I thought they'd count that.
But it's Miracle's fault with her bone-headed starvation drive.
I love you.
It's not Miracle's fault.
Those kids never wanted to play ball.
You know how they are.
At that age, they just want to stare at my heaving breasts.
Well, these are new!
Yes, it turns out what we thought were steroids
were actually female hormone replacements.
Of course, I don't want to embarrass anyone by saying whose they are.
I found the time capsule!
I need a catchphrase!
- The b-story. - I have no reaction!
Hey, great! We found your hormones.
You lost them when you were squatting in that boy's locker.
Oh, yeah. I stopped taking those.
Hey, I guess that explains my recent love of tackling and digging.
So if I stop taking the pills,
these hideous breasts will go away?
That's right.
- Then I'm gonna stop taking them. - Damn it.
Well, the good news is we've got our wine,
and not a moment too soon. I'll let you in on a little secret.
I would have quit this job before I let one of you get fired on my watch.
- I was. I would have. - That's amazing!
"Pacific Rim"?
"Greased and Grinning"?
"Booty Enthusiast"?
I just had happy bury those filthies for Willard yesterday.
Actually, Pacific Rim is a cooking magazine.
Oh, Willard, you poor lonely man.
You're fired.